The Devil's Minions

I hate the dentist.

Okay maybe hate is a strong word. I seriously have an extreme distaste for going to the dentist. Yes, that is a bit more accurate, and to be even more honest it’s not even the Dentist themselves, they’re usually pretty cool people. It’s the hygienists! 

I swear it has to be in the job description to make their patients feel horrible and guilty. I swear never in my life have I been able to make those people happy. No matter how many times I brush (okay let’s get real, I’m not brushing at lunch time. It’s just not going to happen. Adjust your expectations people) or for how long, or what toothbrush I use. It’s just never right.

Or flossing, I am LITERALLY flossing at this very moment! You can never floss enough for a hygienist. And you can’t even lie to them and tell them you floss more often than you do because THEY KNOW. They can’t be human, and regardless I ALWAYS get the one I seem to hate the most. I’m not going to name names here… you know who you are. 

Growing up I had a fantastic dentist, she was the best, and the ONLY person on the planet I ever let call me Caity. Even when she was filling cavities she never made me feel bad about it. However six years ago she did the unthinkable. She moved to BC.

So what did I do? Did I go see her replacement when time rolled around for my check up? Nope. Of course not, I was still sulking. I didn’t want some random dude who didn’t know my entire life story poking around in my mouth. Nope. So I did the only logical thing. I pretty much stopped going to the dentist. Was this childish of me? Of course.

It started as me being stubborn, then just sort of snowballed. Rationally that voice in the back of my head was saying “Dude, you need to man up and just go to the dentist,” but I still kept putting it off.

I found myself turning into a huge hypocrite (I’m like this about a lot of things, I’ll be the first person to tell you to go to the Doctor/Dentist/Gyno but I will never take my own advice -  Which is why I still haven’t gotten the shooting pain in my elbow checked out.) I bullied my boyfriend into going to the dentist, but yet still couldn’t admit to myself that I was terrified of going to get my own teeth done.

Well finally I decided enough was enough. Face your fears! (more on this one later) The time had come that I had to adult up and get my teeth cleaned. Maybe this time would be different, maybe this time the hygienist would see me as an adult and lay off the guilt trip.  Maybe she would just keep her mouth shut and let me sit there in peace and just make that awful scrapey metal on teeth noise *shudder* and I could get in and get out.

Nope.

Just Nope.

Still awful. So here is what I have to say.

Dear Nameless Hygienst,

While I understand you have what is likely a thankless job, scrubbing crud off of people’s not-so-pearly whites. And I am clearly not the ideal patient, I’m not friendly and I hate small talk. However there is a solution. Here are some tips on how to make this less painful on both of us.

• Please, go ahead ask me the standard questions you need for my medical chart. This is part of your job.
• Ask me what flavour polish/fluoride I would like. And from this day forth I will always whine that they discontinued the Lemon Lime fluoride. That stuff was the only reason I ever came to the dentist.
•  Please don’t ask me any questions not directly pertaining to my teeth while you are cleaning my teeth. This is ridiculous, how am I supposed to answer you? Please just no.
• I don’t care about your kids/family/cat/grandmother’s hip replacement. If you must talk about them I can tune you out, that’s fine but don’t expect me to respond or add my own thoughts. I have dental tools and your hands in my mouth. Again I repeat this is RIDICULOUS.
• You don’t have to tell me I’m sarcastic, I know. I’m here to get my teeth done. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.
• Please understand that while I’m listening to you when you give me advice about my teeth, I’m just not going to change my current dental routine drastically. Please be realistic.
• Enough with the guilt trips. This just makes me want to be stubborn and not do any of the things you tell me to do.
• Telling me that my dead father would want me to floss more is just uncool. Seriously? In response to this all I can say is Please remember to whom you are referring. The day Dad ever told me I should floss more would have been the same day I joined any type of team sport. Your argument is invalid.

Yours truly,

Caitlin

So essentially, I still hate going to the dentist. And I have to go back next week to get a tiny cavity filled. But heck, six years and one tiny cavity? I’m going to mark that as a win in my column. 

If you're a dental hygienist and I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. Well not really. I won't lie to you. Plus I'm likely the kind of patient you hate. So lets just agree to move on with our lives.

 Louise knows what I'm talking about.

(Updated: May 9th: In light of recent events at the dentist, I officially dislike dentists as well as hygenists)