The Art of Ostriching

Ostriching - Refusing to acknowledge a problem or issue, and expecting it to just go away on it's own while you've stuck your head in the sand.

I am the Queen of Ostriching, if it were an Olympic sport I would be a Gold medal winner several times over. I am fully aware that I do this and have actively tried to do this less in life. Sometimes though to get through things, that old fail-safe method of coping has to be employed.

This Thursday I am embarking on a mission to do something that scares the ever-loving tar out of me.

Showing my horse.

"But haven't you shown before?" You may ask - Why yes, I have indeed. "Then why does this scare you?"
Let me break that one down for you. I'll have to go to the beginning for this one.

When I bought my horse Breezer, I had ZERO intentions of ever showing him aside from the odd "fun show" put on by the barn I was at here and there. There was no chance in hell anyone was ever getting me out to an A Circuit show. I wanted nothing to do with that malarky.

Well something changed, I fell in love with my coach and her teaching style, and suddenly had this epiphany of "I can do this" I had a horse I loved more than anything in the world - who, when my world crumbled around me (this would come later) stayed constant and remained the one I could count on to keep me grounded and always keep my ego in check. - I had support from a wonderful group of people. I wanted to prove that I could take my horse and go to a show and not make a fool of ourselves.

Winning never mattered to me, to this day I have never gotten anything better than a second place ribbon at an A Circuit show, and I wouldn't trade those blue ribbons for anything. Every single class that I could exit that ring in one piece was a win for me. Any ribbon was a bonus.

Every show I fought a battle with my own nerves, feeling constantly nauseous and just having a constant mantra of "don't fuck up" in my head. Considering the fact that I really don't care about winning this still confuses me. I know I can ride my horse, I know he is a good boy. Why do I get so nervous.

The more I think about it the more I'm fairly certain it is because I want to make everyone who has invested in me on a personal and emotional level proud. This may sound silly but the best part of ever getting a ribbon was hearing the clapping and hooting coming from the section of the stands that housed my family and friends. Namely my Dad. I don't want to discount anyone else here but, it's a fact I am and always will be, no matter what - A Daddy's Girl.

So what changed?

Well the year Dad got sick I quit showing. I told everyone it was because I honestly just preferred watching (probably true) and couldn't really afford it (probably also a bit true). But to be completely honest, what was the point if I didn't have him there with me or to cheer me on. I probably always showed a bit more for him than I every truly did for me.

So I retired. I went to the horse shows I watched Kelly show Timmi, and I celebrated in the victories of my team members. I took pictures, and dealt hard truths. My showing days were over.

After Dad died I took a major step back from riding. My love for Breezer and Timmi never wavered, but it was hard for me to go out and actually ride so instead I went to the barn for hugs and snuggles (which never thrilled Breezer anyways) and usually wound up just spending time with Jacquie and her family. They put up with seeing a lot of me as I tried to rebuild my world that had fallen down around my feet.

Last year I finally decided that I was sick of sitting on the sidelines and the following year I would indeed be coming out of retirement.

Easier said than done, It's been a long road back for me. Breezer is almost three full years older, and at 17 ain't no spring chicken anymore. A year off of riding, my fitness and stamina was awful (still is to be honest).

And now we're here the show starts on Friday and suddenly everything that I have bottled up and ignored is finally refusing to be ignored. As my coach Jacquie told me tonight as I sat on my horse trying my best not to just cry uncontrollably (I did an awful job of this) she knew this meltdown was coming eventually. And it all started when Breezer chose today to be an asshole and decide to do everything in his power to get out of having to work. It was just one of those moments when you suddenly question all your choices and ask yourself "What the fuck am I even doing?"

This will be my first horse show without my Dad, and that thought scares me more than anything else. I can say as much as I want to about him still being there with me and all that jazz, but when it comes down to brass tacks - everything is different... and yet it remains the same. I know I won't hear him cheering for me, or get to hear him singing to Breezer in between classes as he holds him for me so I don't get slimed. He won't be there telling Breezer he looks fancy with all his make up on, or helping me shine my boots.

Yet I still want to make him proud and do this for him.

I'm still not entirely convinced that I won't get to the show and have a panic attack, and scratch every single one of my classes. I guess we'll find out.

"Tom Hardy" IS an appropriate answer for the way I feel.

So I’ve spoken before about how I get addicted to things, well I’m going to talk about another thing I do frequently. Obsess. Over the course of my life I have been obsessed with many many things. My obsessions generally last a month or two or at least until I have exhausted myself on whatever I am obsessed with. Once I am done obsessing about something it generally will forever hold a small piece of my heart. 

Examples of random obsessions over the course of my life are as follows:

• Roxette’s Greatest Hits
• 80’s Hair Bands
• Motley Crue (mostly Tommy Lee & Nikki Sixx)
• Musicals
• Angelina Jolie
• Marlon Brando
• Elvis Presley
• Richard Gere
• She’s The Man
• Flip this House
• Sam Worthington
• Cold Case Files
• Tom Hardy
• Pitch Perfect

Well you pretty much get the picture. I can’t even really truly fully list everything since I seem to live my life in a constant state of obsession.  It’s these obsessions that I mostly attribute my vast library of random knowledge in my head that apparently comes in handy while playing Cranium.

I find myself as of yesterday coming into a brand new obsession and I thought I would walk you through some of the steps.

On the weekend I went with a friend to see the new Mad Max movie, of course I haven’t seen any of the old ones but the boyfriend assured me that prior knowledge wasn’t needed going into the new one. Normally this would probably have been a movie I would have waited to see at home, but Tom Hardy. So while I watched the movie with my friend, me with my face twisted into some mask of horror/disbelief/why-can’t-I-stop-staring and her hiding her eyes through most of the more gruesome parts.  I walked away thinking “I really hope I don’t have nightmares about Immortan Joe going all Cruella de Vil”

You see what I mean.

Anyways so after having to describe my feelings about this movie to a bunch of people, which I was still unsure about – Apparently “Tom Hardy” is not adequate feelings to have about a movie for most people -  it was made clear to me that I “have to watch” the first trilogy of movies. So I figured well they’re all on Shomi, I’m not a big Mel Gibson fan but why not? 

Seriously people! All anyone needed to say to get me to watch the original Mad Max was “Mel Gibson is about 20 in it and he will make your ovaries sing. I’d have been in. Seriously, if you want me to see ANYTHING (within reason I still have limits) just tell me about the hot guy in it. You don’t need to tell me plot or anything.  I have a LIST of men I would watch just laying bricks for 2 hours. I’m a simple woman.

Thus I come to my current obsession – Mel Gibson. In specific YOUNG Mel Gibson. Preferably before he went nuts. I’ve already stalked his IMDB page read all the trivia and fun facts about him. Made a list of all the Mel Gibson movies I want to watch, and am planning a Mel Movie Marathon in my head. This is day 2 of the obsession. I have a feeling I may have wrapped up my obsession in less than a month.  But until then I’m just going to keep looking at this picture

 – and suffering through all the weird Mad Max dreams I’ve been having since seeing that movie... and by weird I mean the Mad Max/Legally Blonde mash up dreams I was having last night.

 Oh and bonus Tom Hardy wearing a muzzle 'cause that's kind of hot right?