Curiousity made the cat a more well rounded individual

“Curiosity killed the cat,” We’ve all heard it. We’ve all probably said it at one point. Let me make this clear – I hate that saying. – Don’t get me wrong I’ve sat and watched my kitten make some relatively unsound choices in the name of curiosity – but who hasn’t? 

Why would you not want to foster curiosity in a person or child? 

Curiosity is an amazing force, and I for one am proud to be a curious person.

Ask anyone of my closest friends and they might at any point tell you something along the lines of “Caitlin knows a ton of weird facts,” or “Caitlin is the person I go to when I have a question about something I don’t want to ask other people.”

I might slightly pride myself a bit on these two things, because it’s true. My brain is an encyclopaedia of bizarre and obscure knowledge. I love being able to help my friends, or just to drop fun little facts here and there.

And here’s why….

I am curious as fuck. I love learning new things, weird facts, stuff that might not be common knowledge. If I hear someone talk about something I’ve never heard before – you better believe I’m sitting there googling it or making a mental note to google it later. I would 100% be surprised if I wasn’t on some sort of watch list for the weird stuff I’ve searched for over the years (although I sincerely hope I’m not). 

When I’m not googling something, I’m listening to podcasts, or watching documentaries, or weird youtube videos. Heck I’ve fallen down serious Wikipedia rabbit holes about pretty much every major royal family. 

Now I really hope I’m not shattering anyone’s image of an “all-knowing being” that is me, but honestly people – where did you THINK I learned this stuff. 

My point is this – knowledge is power, and while there’s some stuff I CHOOSE to be ignorant about. It never hurts to do your research, not to be the type of person who needs to correct people, but to just understand – for myself. No one likes that person who needs to correct people ALL THE TIME (did you understand what I meant? Then don’t be an asshole!)

I love people who are constantly learning and seeking new information like a sponge. Curiosity is what drives this for me, and I’m sure for others too. I like knowing “Why?” and “How come?” and in the world where the internet is at our fingertips, there’s no reason not to know. 

Here’s to being forever curious – and to also hoping my kitten makes good choices and stays alive.

Arthur making.... interesting choices

When in doubt... get more pets...

So I won't lie, when the crazy part of my brain whispered "you should get a cat" every rational part of my brain threw up red flags. You can't get a cat, you have a big fluffy white dog, whom you love, who has a super high prey drive.

Literally my brain began scrolling through all the reasons that it was a horrible idea - the crazy side of me kept whispering "but maybe it will be okay... get a cat..."

So I did it, against the rational and generally smarter part of my brain. Me and the crazy half roped my enabler friend Melissa into coming with us to get a cat (yes I feel like the crazy part of my brain is it's own character) enter Arthur.

This tiny black ball of wild fluff, he's funny and sweet and the PERFECT magnet for an Akita with a high prey drive. Anyways I went into it thinking - if this doesn't work Arthur will have to find a new home. Well a couple days of having him around was enough to know the little fluff was gonna be sticking around and the big fluff would have to figure out how to deal with it.

Anyways I won't lie about after the first week of Arthur being completely segregated to the spare room, I wasn't sure how the two animals would ever co-exist. I felt split in two, the one side with the unwavering loyalty to the dog I've loved for over ten years who would always come first, and the other half to this tiny little life that I'd committed to take care of and love.  It was awful.

Fast forward to now, a month into being a cat and a dog owner. over the past couple days I watched my 100lb dog continue to show great restraint with the tiny little 5lb kitten who insists on springing at her and wrapping himself around her legs (yes he loves her), yesterday I even had the courage to let them hang out without muzzling Briar (for Arthur's safety of course) I could not be more relieved, and the light at the end of the tunnel is bright.

Proof that with some patience and a lot of baby steps, anything is possible.

Believing in Something More...

Okay so this is where I may lose a few people, but honestly I don't much care. If you want to stop reading this now go ahead since it's my blog and I do what I want.

So pretty much for as long as I can remember I've loved anything paranormal/ghosty/spooky etc. Now I say that with the caveat that I am ALSO a huge chicken who likes her sleep so anything TOO freaky and I'm done and can't handle it. Like I want to watch all the paranormal ghost shows but the minute it gets too instense I need to watch a Disney movie to calm down.

Where am I going with this? Well, it's all about beliefs. Now I'm a logical level headed person who has a wildly creative imagination and can't just believe that what you see is what you get. I WANT to believe in ghosts and something beyond, because otherwise I find that just wholly depressing that you die and you're strictly worm food. Granted I choose only to believe in the Casper the friendly ghost-types. Malevolent spirits you can go hang somewhere else.

If something falls off a shelf suddenly, or happens unexpectedly I'm flippantly like oh we have a ghost. I am very sensitive to catching things out of the corner of my eye to find nothing there - although half the time it winds up being a chunk of mascara in my lashes or sometimes a piece of glitter.

After Dad died this really intensified my need for there to be more after death. After all where does all the vibrant energy and love a person like that go? Energy cannot be created nor destroyed, so it had to go somewhere right? (if you have a scientific answer for this you can just keep your mouth shut - no one likes a Debby Downer) 

I don't subscribe to organized religion, I'm certainly not opposed to people who do, I love the idea of finding something and putting all your soul into believing it - whatever that thing may be. Good for you people. However, I did grow up saying prayers at night (which in hindsight seems a bit weird considering how non-religious my family was, I'm gonna blame it on weird residual rituals from my parent's own childhoods)

After Dad died, there are a lot of seeming normal yet slightly off things that happen which may be purely coincidence, but honestly it's just most comforting to think of it as signs Dad's sending me, letting me know he's out there and watching me, gently still giving me guidance or letting me know I'm on the right path. It's really only something I share with a very small select group of people, although I guess that is out the window now, whatever.

Okay so this brings me to this morning, when I get a text from my coach/friend/hetro-soulmate Jacquie who was also very close to Dad, and is one of the people I have no problem sharing my weird thoughts with.

She sent me a text saying she was sitting in the Walmart parking lot - waiting for it to open, going through her phone and cleaning out old pictures. She had recently been listening to a book where they talked about orbs of lights in photos being people who have died coming back to be present or show love to the lives of their survivors. When she came across a series of photos from the day she brought Charlie/Splash to Tamrac. 

Now having been a purveyor of many ghost hunting shows I know orbs are a big thing, yes it can be chalked up to dust, or a dirty lens, or light flare. But isn't it more fun to think about what else it might be?

She sent me a few of the pictures, but I think now we both know why this ginger horse has managed to worm his way into my cold dark heart so quickly. I like to believe in the magic of this. 

Charlie is at the top of the hill.

A New Hope

So I'm going to start this by talking about a very special boy, my horse Breezer. 

I love this old man to bits, we've done everything together. For over 11 years he has been there for me, he's made me smile, he's made me cry and we've had great successes together. Again I say I love him more than I could possibly put into words. 

The truth of the matter is that we're at different places in our lives now, I love riding him - but he loves packing around little kids. He's at that point in his life where he is a great and reliable teacher, and that is what he should be doing. Yes it's fine for me to hop on him and just fart around but neither of us are really working towards a goal anymore. So I'm happy to let him be doted over by the little ones, and have him in turn teach them how to be tiny horse-people.

So with that being said - where does that leave me? I've always struggled with the idea of "what happens after Breezer?" Do I buy another horse? It took me a long time to find a horse with a personality that I clicked with and clashed with at the perfect ratio. What were the odds I would find that again? Not to mention the financial side of it. Owning a horse comes with a hefty price tag - owning two horses and being able to afford to keep both of them by myself is unrealistic - especially if I ever plan to actually save any money for a place of my own. 

Quitting riding has never really been an option, it is such a huge part of my life, and my happiness and sanity. My horse family are part of me on such a fundamental level.

The truth of the matter is I really struggle with confidence when it comes to riding. I consider myself a good rider, but it's been a long time since I've comfortably ridden any horse aside from Breezer or Timmi. It's tough admitting you're just afraid you're not good enough to ride or handle a different horse. Rationally I know this isn't true, there was a time in my life I would hop on literally ANY horse anyone would let me ride. I tell everyone that its great to ride different horses, its easier to give the advice than take it myself.

Which brings me to the point of this post - the spark of hope - of something exciting.

About two-ish years ago a bright chestnut colt came into the care of my coach Jacquie - this spunky creature with a mane and forelock for days didn't really make me think twice except that him and Breezer seemed to HATE each other - like Breezer would charge the fence at Splash and vice versa. Initially I took a stance a protective mother would take and disliked the kid who was mean to my baby. Then when we moved Splash went to live at Jacquie's sister and that was essentially that.

Fast forward to 2016 when slowly Jacquie would start talking about the chestnut colt with the easy going attitude and how ultimately it was her goal to have him be my new show horse, I mostly rolled my eyes at this, I wasn't sure I was ready for this - especially not with the horse who had butted heads with Breezer. Slowly I let the idea roll around in my head. Honestly sometimes I think Jacquie knows me better than I know myself - it would really be foolish not to trust her - and I know she would never put me in a situation I couldn't handle. We have a very clear unspoken agreement to never mention my insecurities when it comes to riding, she just magically knows the right amount of prodding I need and when its best to back off, and for this I trust her with my life. 

Now that this red-headed wonder who I've decided to dub Charlie Weasley has been around for a while the little bugger has stolen my heart. He's laid back and funny, he has such a personality. And while he's not my horse, and very well may never be - I couldn't be more excited what the future might hold for me and this ridiculous ginger horse. 

The Neverending Quest to Find your Tribe.

"You can't be your best self until you find your tribe. I'm still looking for mine" 

- Lily Rabe as Misty Day

I've been talking about this a lot lately with several different people, so I have a feeling it's a pretty universal struggle. Lately as I've really amped up my quest for self-improvement or self-enlightenment or whatever the flip you want to call it, I've become really aware of the importance of "finding your tribe" 

Now let me define my use of "tribe" here for you, so we're all on the same page.

Tribe: A group of people who loves and supports you and your dreams, and will do anything in their power to help you achieve said dreams.

I am a firm believer that the people you surround yourself with greatly impact your life and daily well being. I think everyone knows what its like to have a friend/coworker/acquaintance who is just constantly negative. I know for me personally being around constant negativity is just a recipe for disaster because it takes almost no time at all and suddenly I'm feeling glum and negative for LEGITIMATELY no reason. Granted I've gotten a bit better throughout the years of limiting my exposure to these kind of people for prolonged periods of time.

When you surround yourself with people who you can openly and passionately discuss anything with - whether its anything from your hopes and dreams, to that really great episode of Toddlers and Tiaras you watched yesterday - and it's met with excitement and just a straight up supportive and open heart. It's amazing what can come from that.

I grew up as a teenager feeling very alone and like a misfit. I retreated into black baggy clothes and "punk" rock - and found myself just despising all the bright and shiny kids at school. Now looking back in reality - things weren't as they seemed. I had amazingly supportive parents (even though that was back when I would butt heads with my Dad on a pretty regular basis - he just didn't UNDERSTAND ME... I hope you can hear how hard I'm rolling my eyes here. In hindsight I was just being dramatic - which is something that is unlikely to change from my personality). But what I truly lacked in this stage of my life was a really close knit group of friends. 

Sure I had friends and I'm still close with a few of them now. Honestly though they were school friends, and the majority of them were out of necessity. The "I need a friend in this class otherwise the semester/year will be awful" type of friendship, with no real substance to it aside from in class chit chat.

I think it's funny because the majority of men I know have had the same best friends since they can remember. Cradle to the grave, from birth to earth, etc. I truly believe that women are not like this. I personally am constantly adjusting my group of friends. Distancing myself from those who are unsupportive, or who don't believe in me and my dreams. And feeding the relationships that enrich my life on such a deep level.

There's a poem I found once - heck let me insert it here for you 

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed or just felt. They have come to assist you through a hard time, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. Then, suddenly, the person disappears from your life. Your need has been met; their work is done.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share or grow or give back. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They give you great joy. Believe it; it is real. But only for a season.
Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons—things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all your other relationships.
Think about the people in your life over the years. Whether they were there for a reason, a season or a lifetime, accept them and treasure them for however long they were meant to be part of your life.
And when they are gone, be thankful for the gifts you received from them when they were here—for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

I've done my best to try to keep this in my mind as I've had to either let go of people, or just accept that a friendship had run its course.

I'm very grateful for all the people who have come through my life at one point or another because every single one of them has helped shape me into the person I am today.

I'm getting a little off of my point which is par for the course.

I like to call my tribe my "Coven" mostly because I think it's funny and fitting for me as a person. My tribe is full of people who I hold near and dear to my heart. They know who they are, the people I can confide in, the ones who are unwaveringly supportive, who will smile and tell me I'm crazy but follow that with "whatever makes you happy", non-judgmental in all the ways that count (unless I eat a whole pie in one sitting - then I'm judging myself too). 
My tribe is full of people who come from different locations and backgrounds, they don't all know each other, and come from many different compartments of my life. 

I can really only hope for everyone reading this that you have found your tribe, or that you are actively seeking it - because let me tell you, there is nothing quite like the feeling of when a very special group of feeling has your back. 

This one goes out to my tribe.

To all members past, present, and future.

Without each and every single one of you who knows where I would be right now.

Life IS Beautiful

So years ago I got this tattoo in Vegas with my Dad. Most people know by now that I had scanned a pair of underwear I got at a Motley Crue concert to bring this reference in. I really liked the design and I really did think I truly believed that Life was indeed Beautiful. 

Well to be quite honest I've looked down at this tattoo a lot over the past several years and not really believed it. Don't get me wrong I certainly don't regret the tattoo and I always thought it was a pretty sentiment but it just really wasn't something I felt deep down anymore. Not with all the shitty blows that life has decided to chuck at me. 

It's taken a while - and I maybe won't feel this way every single day (but I can try to!) but I finally feel like I can finally believe it again. Like this whole time this tattoo has been sitting here just whispering to me "you might not believe me right now. But you will. Patience"

Life is truly what you make it constant negativity brings nothing but negative things (I've seen that first hand) people willing to just take a seat in life and expect the worst receive that - the worst. Because they refuse to acknowledge the tiny victories life brings 

And recognizing tiny victories is a great skill. Maybe you got some extra foam in your latte this morning (I love latte foam!) or maybe your car wasn't iced up into a solid brick of ice like the rest of the cars on the block. 

Expecting life to just hand you everything you want is unrealistic. But being open to the doors the universe may crack open for you is a Beautiful thing. 

Being positive all the time is exhausting for everyone and those around you but being willing to put a positive spin on everything can only enrich your life. I will never forget (and maybe I've mentioned it before) but growing up my Grandma had a tiny quote taped to the mirror in her basement bathroom that said "No one ever went blind from looking on the bright side of things" and that's always stuck with me through the darkest of times. For instance just today I noticed someone had stolen one of my hand made skull ghost Halloween decorations that I LOVE. There were footprints in the snow and everything someone actively took it. I won't lie. I was pretty choked - livid even for a moment. How dare someone just help themselves to my ghost. So I flipped it. In reality I can make another ghost for probably around $15 or maybe even cheaper. So I told myself that this individual saw my ghosts and figured they were just so amazing that they HAD to have one in their life. It's a small thing but it makes me feel better. 

Life's all in the details. The good stuff sneaks up on you. 

(Also I apologize for any typos - I typed this on my phone in the bath halfway terrified of dropping my brand new phone in the water. But these thoughts can't wait)

Adulthood is a lie

As kids you know one thing for certain: Your parents know everything. They have life figured out, are basically the most responsible human beings on the planet – and will likely one day bequeath the handbook of life to you, most likely somewhere around the age of 20.

Let’s face it – if we as kids had any inkling to how much our parents were winging it, struggling to make ends meet (sidebar: when I hear this phrase I hear it as “ends meat” and imagine it being some sort of bargain meat people need to feed their family when funds are tight) or just making up bullshit answers to our questions in general – our little worlds would spin off into chaos.

We grow up thinking that we’ll go to school, maybe go to university or college, then immediately get a decent job that will allow us to move out from under the umbrella of our parents, and then we will find someone to spend our lives with and pump out some children of our own. Okay while the plan may differ from person to person you get what I’m saying. At some point you go from being a kid who has no idea which end is up to suddenly having your life together.

Well imagine the surprise that every upper middle class 20-something gets smacked with when you realize that there IS no manual, and being an “adult” is just a series of haphazard decisions made that sometimes result in some harsh life lessons.

The fact of the matter is no one has a clue what they’re doing. Your parents always seem to have the answers strictly because they have 25+ years of life experience on you – they’ve lived to make mistakes – and to learn from them. My advice to kids in high school is always “give your parents some credit – they usually know what they’re talking about” I know I personally have thought “I should have just listened to my parents” on more than one occasion.

On the same note – they’re people too. They’re not superheroes. They get scared and overwhelmed just as much as you or I do. They’re just doing their best, that’s all they’ve ever done.  As someone who is now of “adulating” age and now on the other side of the childhood spectrum – I see all my friends with kids just trying to do their best on a daily basis. Some days that’s a little more and some it’s a little less. In 20 years their children won’t remember the days when it was a little less, but they will remember feeling loved and secure.

As per usual my post has spun off into a completely new direction but I’m going to try to get back to the point. My point.

My point is – as a twenty-something, HECK, THIRTY-SOMETHING you do NOT have to have it all figured out. At some point you need to let go of that insane idea you had as a child that because your parents may or may not have “had their act together” (I can almost promise you they didn’t) that you have to. It will NEVER be too late to change your path in life because things aren’t what you want. Maybe we would all have a little less grey hair if we didn’t put a deadline on life.  (jk – I like my silver strands – and who doesn’t love a silver fox)

For clarification: I’m not talking to the people who have no ambition to get out in the world and get a job. To those people – pretty sure McDonalds is always hiring. Get off your ass and do something. You need a deadline – and probably some grey hairs.