The Devil's Minions

I hate the dentist.

Okay maybe hate is a strong word. I seriously have an extreme distaste for going to the dentist. Yes, that is a bit more accurate, and to be even more honest it’s not even the Dentist themselves, they’re usually pretty cool people. It’s the hygienists! 

I swear it has to be in the job description to make their patients feel horrible and guilty. I swear never in my life have I been able to make those people happy. No matter how many times I brush (okay let’s get real, I’m not brushing at lunch time. It’s just not going to happen. Adjust your expectations people) or for how long, or what toothbrush I use. It’s just never right.

Or flossing, I am LITERALLY flossing at this very moment! You can never floss enough for a hygienist. And you can’t even lie to them and tell them you floss more often than you do because THEY KNOW. They can’t be human, and regardless I ALWAYS get the one I seem to hate the most. I’m not going to name names here… you know who you are. 

Growing up I had a fantastic dentist, she was the best, and the ONLY person on the planet I ever let call me Caity. Even when she was filling cavities she never made me feel bad about it. However six years ago she did the unthinkable. She moved to BC.

So what did I do? Did I go see her replacement when time rolled around for my check up? Nope. Of course not, I was still sulking. I didn’t want some random dude who didn’t know my entire life story poking around in my mouth. Nope. So I did the only logical thing. I pretty much stopped going to the dentist. Was this childish of me? Of course.

It started as me being stubborn, then just sort of snowballed. Rationally that voice in the back of my head was saying “Dude, you need to man up and just go to the dentist,” but I still kept putting it off.

I found myself turning into a huge hypocrite (I’m like this about a lot of things, I’ll be the first person to tell you to go to the Doctor/Dentist/Gyno but I will never take my own advice -  Which is why I still haven’t gotten the shooting pain in my elbow checked out.) I bullied my boyfriend into going to the dentist, but yet still couldn’t admit to myself that I was terrified of going to get my own teeth done.

Well finally I decided enough was enough. Face your fears! (more on this one later) The time had come that I had to adult up and get my teeth cleaned. Maybe this time would be different, maybe this time the hygienist would see me as an adult and lay off the guilt trip.  Maybe she would just keep her mouth shut and let me sit there in peace and just make that awful scrapey metal on teeth noise *shudder* and I could get in and get out.

Nope.

Just Nope.

Still awful. So here is what I have to say.

Dear Nameless Hygienst,

While I understand you have what is likely a thankless job, scrubbing crud off of people’s not-so-pearly whites. And I am clearly not the ideal patient, I’m not friendly and I hate small talk. However there is a solution. Here are some tips on how to make this less painful on both of us.

• Please, go ahead ask me the standard questions you need for my medical chart. This is part of your job.
• Ask me what flavour polish/fluoride I would like. And from this day forth I will always whine that they discontinued the Lemon Lime fluoride. That stuff was the only reason I ever came to the dentist.
•  Please don’t ask me any questions not directly pertaining to my teeth while you are cleaning my teeth. This is ridiculous, how am I supposed to answer you? Please just no.
• I don’t care about your kids/family/cat/grandmother’s hip replacement. If you must talk about them I can tune you out, that’s fine but don’t expect me to respond or add my own thoughts. I have dental tools and your hands in my mouth. Again I repeat this is RIDICULOUS.
• You don’t have to tell me I’m sarcastic, I know. I’m here to get my teeth done. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.
• Please understand that while I’m listening to you when you give me advice about my teeth, I’m just not going to change my current dental routine drastically. Please be realistic.
• Enough with the guilt trips. This just makes me want to be stubborn and not do any of the things you tell me to do.
• Telling me that my dead father would want me to floss more is just uncool. Seriously? In response to this all I can say is Please remember to whom you are referring. The day Dad ever told me I should floss more would have been the same day I joined any type of team sport. Your argument is invalid.

Yours truly,

Caitlin

So essentially, I still hate going to the dentist. And I have to go back next week to get a tiny cavity filled. But heck, six years and one tiny cavity? I’m going to mark that as a win in my column. 

If you're a dental hygienist and I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. Well not really. I won't lie to you. Plus I'm likely the kind of patient you hate. So lets just agree to move on with our lives.

 Louise knows what I'm talking about.

(Updated: May 9th: In light of recent events at the dentist, I officially dislike dentists as well as hygenists)

For the love of Ink

My name is Caitlin, and I am an addict. Let’s just lay that out on the table.  It’s true, addiction runs pretty deep in my family, and I would never ever make light of how serious a disease addiction can be.  But just because my addictions are what are currently considered “harmless” (ie. They don’t affect my health, loved ones, or my work) doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

I’m going to talk about one of my favourite addictions – can you have a favourite addiction? Is that like picking a favourite child? Whatever – Tattoos.

I LOVE tattoos. I love planning tattoos, I love getting tattoos (okay within reason the tail end of an eight hour sitting is less fun), I love looking at other people’s tattoos, swapping tattoo stories, bouncing ideas off of other people. I love ALL of it! – Okay maybe not the time it comes to hand over the hard earned/carefully saved cash part but it’s the nature of the beast. 

Everyone does it differently but for me it always starts with something I love - Whether it’s a quote, a person, or a deeply engrained love for all things Disney. Randomly I will come across something that signals something in my brain that I HAVE to have that - Right now - ON MY BODY. Then it becomes an obsession.  More often than not I will obsess over something for about 2 days then call and make an appointment.  Yeah I move quickly. And I often tell only a selected small group of people I’m even getting work done. SURPRISE MOM! 

As someone with a fair amount of tattoos. (Currently at press time the count is 10) I often get asked questions about tattoos. Today I am going to answer them for you [insert jazz hands here]

Where is the best place to get tattooed?

My answer to this is always the same, there is no BEST place. I can tell you where I like to go and why, but everyone is different. I have been tattooed by a LOT of different people (even a guy with an eye-patch which was the coolest thing ever) and will likely be tattooed by many more. There are SO many fantastic artists out there, look around, do your research, read reviews, look at portfolios. Depending on what you want tattooed will help you decide who should be your artist. All I can say is PLEASE proofread your tattoos if there is any wording... no one wants a “No Regrats” situation.

Oh and for the record my current go-to artist is Andi Bolz at The Fountainhead Tattoo. She is the tits and a delight to be tattooed by.

What area hurts the most?

Well coming from a person who has by no means tattooed their whole body I can only tell you this, joints tend to kind of suck, ankles, armpits, backs of knees. Basically if the skin is thin it’s going to be more sensitive. Make sure you’ve eaten a good meal ahead of time, and keep granola bars handy for snacking, and for the love of god try not to take any bathroom breaks if you can avoid it. The minute your adrenaline drops, or you get hungry you’re in for a rough time, and it’s time to call it quits on the session. I also believe in sitting as still as absolutely possible, if it’s a sensitive area just bear down and suck it up and sit like a champ. The better you sit the quicker your artist can finish up that spot. They do this for a living; they know that tattooing your armpit doesn’t tickle. So sit still and make their life a bit easier. 

No seriously, didn’t that hurt?

Pain is relative. In the grand scheme of ways I’ve hurt myself... ie. Stubbing a toe on the coffee table, accidentally pinching my tear duct with my nails (don’t ask), or breaking a bone – getting a tattoo is cake.  It’s kind of like getting waxed, yeah it stings for a little bit but nothing unbearable. And honestly once your adrenaline really kicks in, pfft. No problem. I’ve almost fallen asleep getting tattooed. 

Do you regret any of your tattoos?

Nope!  While I love some more than others theres not one I would get rid of. Although one day when I’m rich I would love to work my trio of tramp stamps into a bigger back piece.

Do you think I’m too old to get a tattoo?

No.

What happens when you’re old and wrinkly?

Who gives a fuck? I’ll deal with that when I’m old & wrinkly. 

Which is your favourite tattoo?

My favourite tattoo has to be my Dad’s writing. It’s not the biggest or prettiest or most colorful. But it’s got a buttload of sentimental value. And to everyone who thinks it is a cheesy Maroon 5 tattoo - HA! fooled you! It is both a cheesy Maroon 5 tattoo and a super sentimental tribute and reminder from my Dad that he loved the crap out of me. So all you haters can go suck on that! Muahahaha

How many tattoo’s are you going to get/When will you be done?

Beats me. 

What does your family think of your tattoos?

Well my Mom & Dad paid for my first one, and to this day are pretty much the only people who have tried to get me to almost completely undress in front of strangers to show them my tattoos. Trust me everyone it’s as awkward for me as it is for you.

You’re going to run out of room!

Well that one is more of a statement. But yes I worry about this; tattoo real estate is in high demand especially when you’ve decided you won’t ever get a tattoo you can’t hide by clothes. (Yes, this rules out any face tattoos. Dang)

Tattooing has come a LONG way in the past 20 years, with the quality of artists and skill there is no excuse anymore for shitty tattoos - I got drunk and let my friend tattoo me in a basement is not a legitimate excuse. Don’t be an idiot. Tattoos are becoming more and more common in the work place, and while a giant face tattoo may limit your choices of profession, other more inconspicuously placed tattoos do not. 

The world is your oyster my tattooed friends!

And to all those with virgin skin, I salute you as well.

TL;DR:  I love my tattoos and really don’t give a fig what anyone else thinks.